The Most Generous Interpretation

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you’re so annoyed with someone, you find yourself thinking “they’re doing this because they are just such an —–” (fill in the blank with the word of your choosing) …

Hello! We’ve all been there. Guilty. As. Charged.

The moment something frustrating happens within relationships, it’s common to lean into those knee-jerk reactions and beliefs that the person is a total and complete jerk, who is sucking on purpose.

Picture this: you’re at work in a very important meeting, the ‘big bosses’ are there, and you’re pitching some of your best ideas of the year. You’ve worked so hard to prepare for this. This is your moment. But, as the meeting progresses, your coworker keeps interrupting you, derailing the points you are trying to make.

Some initial thoughts might be: “this person sucks”, “why are they being so rude?”, “they are trying to sabotage me or make me look bad”, or maybe “they should know better – clearly they only care about themselves”.

So, what happens when you fall into these assumptions? As we know from our cognitive-behavioral triad, what happens is these unhelpful thoughts illicit negative emotion (annoyance, frustration, anger, irritation), and influence less favourable behaviour (we may yell at or ignore the coworker, act short or dismissive, struggle working with them in the future, avoid them, complain to other peers, cry!). Sounds so fun, right?

In the book “Good Inside” by Dr. Becky Kennedy (2022), we were reminded of an important principle and tool that can help cut this circuit off early, and lead to happier and healthier relationships.

Enter: The Most Generous Interpretation

WHAT IS THE MOST GENEROUS INTERPRETATION (MGI)?

Dr. Becky Kennedy states that asking ourselves “what is my most generous interpretation of what just happened?” can result in calmer, softer, and more positive interactions.

The MGI principle allows us to focus on the “internal” state of “what’s happening”, and provides a powerful breeding ground for empathy, change and growth.

Let’s return to our previous example: the co-worker who is derailing us in the very important meeting.

My Knee-Jerk Interpretation: This person sucks. Why are they being so rude? They must be trying to sabotage me – or make me look bad. They should know better. Clearly, they only think of themselves.

I Feel: Angry, irritated, annoyed.

My Behavior: I will either ignore them or explode/yell at them, “vent” to fellow co-workers, avoid them, cry.

Okay – let’s try using the Most Generous Interpretation this time…

MGI: This is a high-stakes meeting, that is very stressful for everyone. Everyone responds to stress differently. I know this co-worker, and they wouldn’t intentionally try to derail me. When they get nervous, they have a hard time sharing the space and holding their comments back with everyone, not just me. I know this and have seen this in other settings.

Now I Feel: Still slightly annoyed (because, well, I am human – and this was an annoying experience), but also empathy (to the coworker who is exhibiting that they are impacted by the stressful situation).

And My Behavior: Perhaps I debrief after with the co-worker and collaborate how we can jointly prepare for future meetings. I may send a summary email to my immediate supervisor to pass along to the “big bosses”. I consider ways that I can calmly and assertively finish my point when interrupted in future meetings. I remind myself that I did my best given the circumstances, and that my points were still delivered at the end of the day.

Want another example? Let’s give it a go…

Scenario: My spouse and I are planning a family day out. They spend their time getting themselves ready – I do everything else. Once they are ready to go, I notice they are sitting on the couch playing on their phone, while I am still frantically rushing around trying to get ALL THE OTHER THINGS DONE. Phew.

Knee-Jerk Reaction: You’ve got to be kidding me? Do they not see that I am so stressed out here? This isn’t fair! Why don’t they do more? They are so selfish.

I Feel: Annoyed, overwhelmed, frustrated, disappointed.

My Behavior: I snap and say “Can’t you just help me for once???”, or I passive-aggressively make a comment about how nice it is to have time to sit and scroll on their phone. Or maybe, I turn to the silent treatment.

Okay – let’s try using the Most Generous Interpretation this time…

MGI: It’s annoying that my to-do list is so long, and maybe they don’t realize all the things that I mentally know need to be done before we leave – but let’s face it – they’re not a mind reader. I know that my spouse has told me before that they feel like they’re in the way when I am rushing around doing things – so perhaps they feel they are helping by staying out of my way. It is possible that they don’t know how to help, or what needs done, because I know I haven’t shared it with them. I know if I asked for help, my spouse would be here in a heartbeat to take some of the load off my plate.

Now I Feel: Somewhat overwhelmed still (ahem, human here!), yet calmer (the MGI here has allowed me to remain calm and evaluate a more helpful path forward – asking for help!).

And My Behavior: I delegate some tasks to my spouse and they immediately respond. In the future, we discuss ahead of time who will do what so the load feels more evenly shared when trying to depart on a family-adventure.

BRENE BROWN & THE MOST GENEROUS INTERPRETATION:

We first heard about this principle from a short video clip with Brene Brown a few years back. While Brown didn’t coin this idea herself, she provided a beautiful summary around the benefits that come with assuming people are doing the best that they can.

In her video, Brown reflects on the idea that her therapist posed to her – “but what if people are doing the best that they can?”, to which Brown then credits her husband for so eloquently stating: “I’ll never know if people are doing the best that they can, or not, but when I assume people are, it makes my life better” (time stamp: 1:29-1:37).

When we are generous in our assumptions about other people’s behaviours, it gives us the opportunity to show up differently in relationships. Brene Brown highlights that generous assumptions and boundaries are integral to one another, and the best way to entertain the most generous assumptions about others is to first ensure there are healthy boundaries in place that allow you to do so. To learn more about this take from Brene Brown, check out her video here:

But wait! Does the MGI Let someone away with ‘Bad Behavior’?

Absolutely not. The MGI is not about “ignoring bad behavior” or “letting someone off the hook” when the actions presented are problematic (or in the worst case, harmful). The MGI is more about your “mindset” and approach as you move through interactions.

Our mindset has a large impact on our perceptions and experiences in life. When we gift ourselves the chance to operate from a place of empathy and recognition of other people’s inherent goodness and worth, we are able to approach the world in a softer, calmer, and more compassionate manner.

What we don’t want to get confused though, is that having a generous interpretation does not equate to letting go of our boundaries or letting bad behavior slide. So often we may hear things like “my Mom does this XYZ behavior that really hurts by feelings, but she had a bad childhood herself and doesn’t really know any better” or “my boyfriend says really snide and rude comments when he is mad at me, but that’s how he was raised so he doesn’t know any other way to handle his anger”. Both of these examples highlight what we DON’T want the MGI to do. We don’t want to “excuse” the behavior or justify it in a way that feels as though we should just tolerate it. We can absolutely use the context and generous interpretations as a means to understand the poor behavior (as we should), but never to excuse. And when we understand, we can operate from a place of empathy and compassion – and uphold whatever our boundary might be to protect ourselves and our relationship.

So please do not forget, we’re not excusing the behavior. Rather, we’re seeking to understand the behavior, and we are open to acknowledging not only the unfavourable interpretations, but the most generous ones, as well.

THE MGI FOR SELF

The MGI is clearly a powerful mindset tool, best used in relationships and understanding others. But there is also power in turning the MGI inward, and gifting ourselves it’s power too. How many times do we give ourselves that nasty knee-jerk reaction, without hesitation? After all, we are our own worst critics.

But what if we weren’t? What if we gifted ourselves the MGI? Can you imagine what could happen?

As per usual, examples help. So, let’s roll through some:

Scenario: I am scheduled to pick up my friend from the airport, but I oversleep and leave late. Traffic is awful and I know she will be waiting for me for quite some time.

Knee-Jerk Reaction: I am a terrible friend. How could I do this to her? She would never do this to me. I am lazy and useless. Clearly nobody should rely on me for anything.

I Feel: Ashamed, embarrassed, guilty, worthless

My Behavior: I rush to get to her, apologize profusely but spend most of the apology beating myself up and shaming myself. She then needs to soothe me and validate that she doesn’t hate me or think I am the worst person alive. I am so burnt out by the time I get to her, our visit feels tainted and starts on a negative note.

Okay – let’s try using the Most Generous Interpretation this time…

MGI: I feel awful that this has happened, and I never usually make this mistake. I have been having a hard time sleeping lately, and my body is struggling. My friend is compassionate and caring, and while it is annoying to have to wait for me, I trust that she will be kind and understanding. Good relationships include highs and lows; ruptures are inevitable, and repairs are what is most important. I am capable of repairing this and I will.

Now I Feel: Compassion and empathy for myself, embarrassment and some slight shame (because I did make a mistake and inconvenience my friend – I am human, and it is a good thing to feel guilt when we make a mistake).

And My Behavior: I apologize to my friend with sincere acknowledgement of my mistake and the impacts it had to her. I explain what has been happening with my health as a means to support my friend in understanding – and correct any negative interpretations she may have (e.g. if she’s thinking I was late because I don’t care or was not excited for our visit!). I do not look to her to soothe or validate me, and rather we both laugh about the hiccup, acknowledge how important the visit is to both of us, and get the good parts of the visit started!

One more example of the MGI for self, just for fun:

Scenario: My child is having a major meltdown, and rather than utilizing my best laid parenting skills (calmly responding, acknowledging their emotions, validating their experience, you know the drill!), I yell. A very loud, angry yell. The frustration bubbles up and I yell “That is ENOUGH! I am SICK OF THIS BEHAVIOR!”.

Knee-Jerk Reaction: I am the worst parent. My children deserve better than me. I know better than this. What on earth was I thinking? They’ll never trust me again.

I Feel: Ashamed, guilty, embarrassed, hopeless.

My Behavior: I cry, self-isolate, shut down. I apologize to my child, with the weight of self-deprecating beliefs on my shoulder. I seek-reassurance from my small child that they still love me, still trust me… and beg that they forgive me for my reckless ways.

Okay – let’s try using the Most Generous Interpretation this time…

MGI: I know I should not yell at my child. However, I am still human and sometimes I will make mistakes. I am overtired and overstimulated. Unfortunately, I am not operating from my best place. In the words of Dr. Becky Kennedy, I am a good parent having a hard time. I know that I have a solid foundation of trust and respect with my child. I will apologize and have opportunity to use this repair as a teachable moment (where I can show my vulnerabilities, and help my child understand that we can make mistakes and we can resolve together).

Now I Feel: Compassion for myself, with some embarrassment for how I responded to the situation (again, human being here!).

And My Behavior: I take time to calm down. I give myself grace and this allows me to enter the conversation from a calm place, with a willingness to take accountability without feeling immense guilt and shame. I apologize to my child and assure them that the behavior I exhibited was not appropriate. We have a fruitful discussion about our relationship and how we move through hard times together now and in the future.

IN SUMMARY…

The Most Generous Interpretation is a mindset shift that allows us to view (and respond to) the world in a calmer, softer way.

The MGI fosters both empathy and growth.

When thought of in the Cognitive-Behavioral Triad – the MGI can shape and influence how we feel and how we behave. Utilizing the MGI can foster both natural and useful emotions to the event, and illicit favourable behaviors.

The MGI is not about excusing behavior, but rather explaining and understanding. We are always seeking to understand. So rather than leaning into negative interpretations, what would happen if we leaned into the more generous ones, instead?

And lastly, the MGI can (and ought to) be applied to self as well as others. It allows us to evaluate and greet ourselves with greater empathy, compassion and kindness. Something we all can use.

References

Kennedy, B. (2022). Good inside. A guide to becoming the parent you want to be. Harper Collins Publication. New York, NY.

Brown, B. (2021). “Brene Brown – boundaries” – Youtube URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLOoa8UGqxA&t=133s

DISCLAIMER: All content produced by Northern Therapy Collective is intended for general knowledge and entertainment purposes only. This information does not constitute official clinical advice, and should not be considered a substitute for formal treatment.