Are We Compatible?

It’s the season of love and relationships, and today we’re tackling one of the biggest, most fundamental, aspects of any partnership: compatibility!

But what does that even mean? Such a big term, often interpreted many different ways, with lots of sub-factors to consider. But at the end of the day, in the context of relationships (new or old), it often boils down to this: Can we make this relationship work, or are we fundamentally incompatible/not a good match?

The thing about “compatibility” is that it’s not a static or stable entity… it changes and evolves as humans themselves change and grow over time. This is what makes the question “are we compatible?” applicable not just to the folks on dating apps or elsewhere in the world who are out there “looking for their match”, but also to the longer-term couples who have been together for 10+ years and are questioning whether they should continue on in their relationship.

What Do We Mean by “Compatible”?

From a clinical perspective, the idea of “compatibility” is highly nuanced with lots of variables to consider and (spoiler alert), while the research may give us food for thought and things to consider, it’s not going to give a hard and fast direction on whether your date on Friday is a “compatible” match. Alas, wouldn’t life be easier if we could run our demographics through a master computer and receive a red light/green light on this issue, or an objective “score” that indicates how compatible we might be with potential partners. (I mean, e-Harmony certainly tried but I’m not sure their system is scientifically sound…)

That said, the desire for a clear answer is certainly understandable and compatibility is often framed (at least societally) as an “all-or-nothing” concept, similar to deal-breakers. (i.e. we’re either compatible or we’re not… this [fill-in-the-blank-thing] is a “deal-breaker” or it’s not).

We also tend to use (relatively) trivial examples for what makes a couple “compatible” – e.g. “I like to go to clubs and you’re a homebody”… “I enjoy rom-coms and you prefer horror”… “I’m a Pisces and you’re a Libra”. The internet says we’re doomed, so I guess we should just give up now!

What these quick and dry examples fail to capture, and what (we would argue) we should be focusing on instead, are something called “shared foundational values” as these are more likely to be the true markers of compatibility.

Here we will try to capture some of the more popular aspects of compatibility, and how seriously we should or shouldn’t take them!

UNLIKELY TO BE Compatibility Issues

Interests & Hobbies

Contrary to popular opinion, compatibility doesn’t mean loving all the same things!
In fact, there is probably more value in maintaining different hobbies/interests and remaining your own person, than there is in having a long list of things in common.
Some of the major benefits of having different interests and backgrounds are that it can:
- (a) Introduce elements of excitement and novelty to the relationship (as you are introduced to new things through your partner)
- (b) Contribute to and build a sense of attraction towards your partner (witnessing their expertise/knowledge about something that is unfamiliar to you)
- (c) Serve as helpful outlets for independence and balance (as you maintain your own, separate interests outside of the relationship)
Obviously, the main caveat here is that you often need a “bare minimum” amount of things in common to ensure an initial source of connection and provide “jumping off points” for activities and discussions, especially in the early days of a relationship… but it really doesn’t take much!

COULD BE Compatibility Issues

Personality Factors

Defined here as: everything from attachment styles, introversion/extraversion factors, how you communicate or “process” information, and all the other nuances of how you “show up” in relationships!
As you can imagine, this captures a huge amount of human variability (for better or worse) and it can be difficult to say with any certainty whether these things will become compatibility issues or not. Differences in personality are part of what make human interactions interesting and fun; no two people are completely alike and we “bounce off each other” in endless ways.
Often, this does not present a problem for relationships and may even serve to balance each other out (everyone knows a couple that’s one part “Type-A planner” and one part “whimsical dreamer” and it just works for them!)
However, it can become a larger issue when these differences translate to significant lifestyle conflicts (e.g. “you never want to leave the house and I always want to be out doing things”), or result in communication challenges (e.g. “you’re an external processor who speaks “off the cuff” and I’m an internal processor that needs time on my own to reflect and think before talking it out”).
Either way, differences in “personality” (again, used here to capture many different things!) do not necessarily need to be catastrophized, but should also not be ignored or “slept on”.
Bigger differences often require some level of shared self-awareness and conscious effort/ compromise to meet each other half-way, especially if you approach life quite differently.

Physical Attraction

Defined here as: everything from basic pheromones, to observable feelings/thoughts of attraction, to preferences for amount and type of physical intimacy
This aspect of relationships, often thought of in the “very likely to be deal-breakers” category (in the sense that “it’s either there or it’s not”) can often be more nuanced and open to change, than we might think.
While it’s true that the more biological bases of attraction (e.g. pheromones) are often present (or not) from the beginning, there are also cases where attraction can grow gradually over time as we get to know people better (fun fact: research would say this happens more often for women!).
Similarly, preferential differences in things like the amount and type of physical intimacy are things couples can (hypothetically) negotiate and compromise on, provided there is open communication and a shared willingness/commitment to meet each other half-way.

VERY LIKELY TO BE Compatibility Issues

Foundational/Core Values

Quick recap on the definition of values: these are the things you actually care about in life. They go beyond mere preference and what feels familiar, and speak to who you are/what you stand for as a person. As such, they are things that we often feel quite strongly about!
Obviously, the values one can have are fairly endless and wide-reaching, and can apply to everything from: family, education, work, parenting, sociopolitical perspectives, love/relationships, and more.
While some values can exist fairly peacefully in opposition with others, research (and common sense) would say that two people need to be generally aligned (or at least not in outright conflict) in their major “core” values, if they’re going to have a sustainable relationship.

“Big Picture” Life Goals

This can be thought of as the practical manifestation of core values (and possibly the “most obvious” of compatibility factors) but is worth mentioning just the same…
Generally speaking, you need to be on the same page as your potential partner about the life you want to be building together. The details may be up for negotiation, but the “broad-strokes” need to be basically aligned.
In other words, if we have drastically different visions for what our life and future will look like (e.g. “my vision of adulthood involves no children and living largely “off-grid” whereas your vision involves 3 kids and retiring in the suburbs at age 55”), then we likely have a compatibility issue.
This category often includes “big picture” items such as where in the world you want to live and whether or not you want to have children.

A Final Note About the Power of “Good-Will” Values

We would go so far as to say that two people can have wildly different backgrounds, hobbies/interests, communication styles – even political beliefs! – and still make it work. However, navigating these stark differences will likely require greater reliance on a mutual set of “good-will” values, such as: tolerance, open-mindedness, non-judgment, curiosity, and commitment (to name just a few). Mutual investment and agreement on these values can help partners navigate seemingly huge differences with the following mindsets to “ground” those discussions:

“I believe something very different from you, but I don’t judge, criticize, or think less of you for your belief/interests”
“I understand and believe that people with different worldviews can co-exist”
“I’m curious to hear about your beliefs and interests, even if I don’t agree with them or it’s not something I can personally relate to”
“I’m committed to this relationship, regardless of what we may need to work through or navigate together” or… “I’m committed to doing the work to meet you halfway”

In Conclusion…

We’d like to end this blog with a quote from one of Hollywood’s most famous couples, Kristen Bell & Dax Shepard, as they sum up a lot of these ideas perfectly.

Kristen has said: “I married my polar opposite. We are the antithesis of each other. We argue about absolutely everything. But there is a foundational trust that we’ve built that keeps us together and is stimulated by one another’s opinions. Being with someone who you are unlike, or don’t have a ton of similarities with, forces you to grow. Make a pact that you’re on the same team, and stick to it.”