Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Some food for thought… what has pop culture taught us about breakups? When you think of how this is usually depicted in movies and TV, it often comes with a lot of behavioral tropes (e.g. staying in bed all day, eating copious amounts of junk food) and snappy sayings/guidelines, including but not limited to:

The 21-Day Rule (also known as: no contact with your ex for at least 3 weeks post break-up)
It takes half the length of the relationship to get over it (thanks, Sex and the City)
Find a rebound (or more colloquially, “the only way to get over someone is to–”…well, you get the gist)

But do these depictions and “rules of thumb” really constitute sound advice when it comes to truly grieving the loss of a relationship?

As with any set of stereotypes, these “quick and dirty” guidelines for how to deal with a highly complex life event generally have limited usefulness. And while they can sometimes provide a false sense of structure or guidance in a time where all feels lost, they often leave us wanting – mostly because they tend to oversimplify an experience that can vary widely from person-to-person.

To that end, we thought we would provide some (hopefully more legitimate) guidance for those who are navigating – or thinking about navigating – the end of a relationship.

(1) Make space for your feelings of grief, loss…and whatever else shows up!

Unless this was a 2h first date (or similar scenario with very limited interaction), we’re going to assume the person you are breaking up with is someone you liked enough to invest a fair amount of time and emotional stakes in. While it’s not anyone’s place to say what duration of time or depth of feeling quantifies a “significant” relationship worth grieving, we can say that – generally speaking – people don’t invest time and energy into things they don’t care about or find largely objectionable. So, whether the breakup occurs after 2 weeks, or 2 months or 2 decades doesn’t really matter (and isn’t really the point). If the relationship was 100% bad from the start, you wouldn’t have engaged in it in the first place! It’s probably safer to assume that something about it felt good and valuable at some point, and those “better” aspects of the relationship are now gone or lost (and may or may not need grieving!).

The main thing here is to not place expectations or restrictions on how sad or upset you should or shouldn’t feel, given the parameters of your particular relationship. Someone who experiences a breakup after 2 weeks could feel more grief than we may traditionally expect, depending on factors like depth of feeling and what that relationship might have represented to them at that time in their life. Conversely, someone who has left a 20-year partnership may have less observable grief in the immediate aftermath of the break, especially if they’ve been low-key grieving the loss of the relationship for years.

Bottom Lines:

Grief comes in all shapes, sizes and durations and setting any expectations for what it “should” look like sets us up for unhelpful thoughts and self-judgments
Feelings of grief and loss don’t have to be specific or limited to the significant other or the value of the relationship; it can also capture things like (1) loss of previously established routines and structure, (2) loss of possible/hypothetical futures, (3) a sense of lost time or other missed opportunities, and so on.

(2) Prioritize yourself (goals, needs & self-care) and switch up your routine!

The practical reality, and sometimes hard truth, is that (usually) we are alone in the immediate aftermath of a breakup; at least in a romantic sense. This can often come with significant shifts in routine and day-to-day activities – whether it’s less daily conversation and casual dates (as in shorter-term relationships) or the literal absence of another person in our space (as with a longer-term relationship) – either way, the change in routine can certainly be jarring and enhance feelings of loneliness. However, as with anything else in life, a change in status can often present new opportunities that weren’t available to us before. Perhaps you were always compromising on chosen activities, or simply had less time available prior to the break.

In that case… can you ask yourself, and lean into:

What have you always wanted to try that your partner had no interest in? (Taking a kickboxing class? Skiiing? Watching horror movies? Trying that new Korean restaurant down the street?)
What have you not had time for in recent months because you were busy going on dates or investing time in the relationship? (Reading? Catching up with distant friends? Enjoying a quiet night at home?)
How can you put yourself first, and take care of your own needs/feelings today? (Take a bubble bath? Go on a nature walk? Play your favourite song on full blast?)
How can you move yourself closer to the person you want to be, regardless of your relationship status? (Spend more time with family? Train for a marathon? Learn piano?)

(3) Lean on loved ones (family, friends, community) and build your social network!

While it can sometimes happen inadvertently (especially in longer-term relationships), and flies in the face of conventional rom-com wisdom, it’s not advisable for your romantic partner to be the only person fulfilling all of your interpersonal and social needs. As you might expect, that conveys a lot of power, control (and pressure!) on the other person, and can eventually lead to difficulties on both sides of the relationship. Ideally, some of your interpersonal and social needs will be met through other channels (such as family, friends, coworkers… even therapists!) and being alone in a romantic context, doesn’t mean you are alone period. Yes, humans are social creatures, but that aspect of our lives does not (and should not!) live and die with our romantic partners.

Bottom Lines:

Reach out and lean on those around you – especially those who love and unconditionally support you! (e.g. plan a friend/family date, talk to someone about how you’re feeling)
If you’re up to it, look for opportunities to build and foster other social connections outside of your “core” network (e.g. join a new gym class or book club, get in touch with an old friend)

(4) Try to put (intentional) limits on activities that promote “stuckness”!

This item captures everything from cognitive rumination (e.g. re-playing past conversations, events, or fights), to ongoing contact with your now ex (e.g. texts, phone calls, post-break hookups), to those “classic” self-soothing behaviors so often depicted in pop culture (including but not limited to: staying in bed all day, watching rom-coms on loop, eating unhealthy foods, using substances, and so on).

Here’s the thing… all those behaviors can certainly play a role in productively processing and working through a break-up! So, rather than default to hard-and-fast societal rules (like no contact for 21 days, or eating endless amounts of ice-cream in your pajamas), the more realistic and balanced approach is to be self-aware and intentional about what you are doing, why you are doing it, and how long it will last.

Most people have a decent internal gauge for the difference between an additional contact with your ex that allows for some closure versus one that keeps the door open for prolonged hurt and suffering. Similarly, most people can appreciate how a period of intentional “mourning” (where anything goes vis-à-vis diet and wardrobe) can certainly be helpful for self-soothing and coping but can also turn problematic when left unchecked.

Bottom Lines:

It’s okay to intentionally choose to “stay miserable” (versus changing your thinking or fixing the problem), but try to apply some parameters and guidelines for how long you will do this
If you’re having trouble knowing for yourself whether these activities are part of short-term processing/coping or if they’re part of a larger issue that’s contributing to “stuckness” then consider discussing with a trusted professional or loved one

(5) Find (or make) meaning, where you can!

Generally speaking, we know humans prefer order and sense to uncertainty and chaos. In other words, people tend to feel anxious and unsettled when events happen “out of blue” and are often comforted when they’re able to find some explanation for life’s unexpected outcomes. Taking this idea a step further, we see great benefit and resilience in individuals who are able to reflect and recognize what those outcomes might have meant or contributed to their lives as a whole, even (and especially) when the outcomes were particularly stressful or difficult to live through. In the context of break-ups, we know that some feel like senseless blindsides and others we can often see coming weeks (if not months or years) in advance, but the recommendation to “look for meaning” remains the same. In addition, break-ups often represent a period of natural transition (from one chapter or state to another), and we know conscious reflection or “meaning-making” can be particularly helpful during transitive periods.

To that end, can you identify the purpose or meaning behind the relationship – short or long as it may have been?

Did it teach you a lesson or show you something about yourself, the people you are attracted to, or how you show up in relationships, that you can now take with you into your future experiences?
Did the person/relationship bring a sense of comfort or support during a specific season of life?
Did the person/relationship play a role (for better or worse) in helping facilitate a period of growth or evolution for who you are today, or who you are becoming?

In conclusion, we want to emphasize some of the key concepts and lessons that you are (hopefully) taking away from today’s blog. First and foremost, the “grieving” process that follows any break-up can come in many shapes and sizes. The best we can do is not lean into unhelpful expectations or rules about what this period of time “should” look like. Instead, we can try to promote a sense of awareness and intention (within ourselves and with support from professionals or loved ones) about what this phase of life has meant to us, and what we may need to process or “feel” before moving onto the next chapter.