The Subtle Shift from Criticism to Curiosity
We come from a society that has normalized self-talk that is critical and shaming. A habitual way that we talk to ourselves, daily for many, that includes a critical (and sometimes harsh) tone. Although not everyone is critical of themselves, it’s not uncommon that criticism comes easier than compassion. When we make a mistake or do something embarrassing, we may turn to criticizing or shaming ourselves for our choices or behaviours.
How could I be so stupid? What was I thinking! I should have tried harder. I was just lazy. I let everyone down again…
Sound familiar?
The dream we have for you is that you can take time to challenge and correct that critical self-talk and move toward more compassionate self-talk. Alas, it’s not as easy of a shift as it sounds. There are many barriers people face when moving towards a more self-compassionate approach. So, if you are like so many others, and you can’t jump from the criticism train straight to the compassionate one, we have a tip for you.
Start with Curiosity!
A subtle shift in self-talk from criticism to curiosity is often an easier move for folks. Curiosity is like a secret weapon to building self-awareness. When we are curious and reflective, we give ourselves space to process and understand ourselves, while still holding ourselves accountable to our actions and choices.
Curious Self-Talk vs. Critical Self-Talk
As mentioned, critical self-talk comes so easily. It’s as habitual as chewing your food or riding a bike. You don’t have to put in conscious effort to remember how to do it, it just happens. You make a mistake at work – critical self-talk (how could I be so stupid?). You fail that test at school – critical self-talk (I’m so lazy!). You have a fight with your loved one – critical self-talk (I’m such a baby. How stupid that I cried over that!).
Conversely, curious self-talk invites reflection and understanding. You make a mistake at work – get curious (why do I think that happened? What would I like to see happen next time? What lesson have I learned?). Failing the test – ask yourself: did I put in the effort I believe I should have, why or why not? Was the test reasonable? What have I learned from this experience? And a fight with the loved one – consider: what was my role in this falling out and how would I like to show up differently in future conflicts? What does conflict mean to me?
Given that critical self-talk is such an ingrained habit, it will take conscious effort to first notice when it’s happening, and only then can we entertain a new style of self-talk (a more curious one).
We encourage you to reflect on the following questions:
- When do you notice or believe you are most critical of yourself? What triggers and turns on that critical self-talk?
- Are there critical phrases or punchlines you use often towards yourself? Stupid, lazy, sensitive, failure? What’s your defining critical self-talk statement?
Once you’ve built awareness of your critical self-talk, consider moving towards curiosity.
Curiosity may look exactly as you imagine:
- Curiosity allows you to be productive and move towards change (criticism and shame often keeps us stuck).
- Curious self-talk encourages you to be inquisitive and reflective of yourself as a whole.
- Curiosity gives you space to process and understand yourself and your actions.
- Curiosity moves you from a place of blame and shame
An Example: A Fight with a Loved One
Let’s say you had a fight with your spouse last night. It was over something seemingly small, you know that. But you were so triggered. And you snapped. And now you’re here, in this shame spiral.
Critical self-talk may include thoughts like:
- I’m so sensitive
- I ruin everything
- What an embarrassment I am
- My family deserves better than me
- I blow everything out of proportion
Curious self-talk may include thoughts like:
- What was I feeling when that situation happened?
- Did anything happen earlier in the day? How was my mood going into it?
- How would others have reacted if they were in the same situation?
- Was this situation representative of something bigger to me?
- Was there something familiar or uncomfortable in that situation for me?
What do you notice between the two sets of thoughts?
Here’s what we noticed…
The curious self-talk allows us to process and develop a deeper understanding, and gives us a clear path forward to making changes. Curiosity doesn’t mean we don’t hold ourselves accountable or responsible for our life choices – we’re acknowledging the choices in the reflection. Rather, it allows us to move to understanding and helps us take accountability in a more productive way. We are moving our self-talk away from being about our worth as a human (criticism), and towards our values and goals in life (curiosity and reflection).
To Sum It All Up…
In a world where critical self-talk is as common as breathing, we invite you to consider the inherent value to dropping the criticism and replacing it with curiosity. Give yourself the gift of a curious approach, a self-talk that is inquisitive and understanding. This will unlock the potential to move from shame towards productive change. And hopefully one day, to a little more compassion for ourselves.
