THERAPY TALK: Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a term that is very much in the popular culture right now, but how many of us know what it really means?
Simply put, gaslighting can be thought of as an interpersonal communication tactic that is (at best) manipulative in nature and (at worst) a form of highly toxic emotional abuse.
There are many ways to explain or describe gaslighting – “twisting reality to shift blame away from the self”, “misleading someone for personal gain or to maintain control”, “making a person doubt their perceptions of a situation or experience” – all of which are accurate in their own way.
Gaslighting can be thought of as one of the “insult to injury” relationship tactics as it often involves the dual step of (1) being disrespected, invalidated, insulted, or misled and then (2) made to doubt your own thoughts or feelings around this same experience.
For example: Partner A shoves Partner B into a wall. When Partner B expresses displeasure or hurt as a result of this action, Partner A responds “it was just a little bump, you’re being dramatic”. And there you have it – the two-step injury. If I’m Partner B, you’ve acted disrespectfully towards me and then made me doubt my own perception of that event. Kind of like pouring gasoline on an already burning fire, right?
Possible Examples of Gaslighting Statements:
- “You’re crazy”
- “You’re being dramatic”
- “You’re too sensitive”
- “You’re not making any sense”
- “Are you sure about that? You know you don’t have the best memory”
- “Everyone knows you like to exaggerate the truth”
- “I’m sorry you think that XYZ actually happened”
- “You know I only act this way/say these things out of love”
Additional/Fun Facts:
- Gaslighting can occur between any two people, of any sex or gender, in any type of relationship (e.g. romantic, family, platonic/friendship, colleagues, strangers)
- Gaslighting can range from mildly annoying (e.g. subtle jabs or jokes) to extremely toxic and abusive in nature
- The term originates from a 1930’s British stage play (called “Gas Light”) where a husband emotionally manipulates his wife by making small changes in their home (e.g. altering the intensity of the gas lamps) and convincing her it’s “all in her head” – all with the goal of having her committed to an insane asylum so he can steal her fortune
- As you might be able to tell from the origin story, the sociocultural phenomenon of “female hysteria” is one of the earliest (and best documented) examples of gaslighting in our society. For those unfamiliar with the term, in the 18th and 19th centuries, women were often (medically) diagnosed as “hysterical” [read: “crazy”] as a way of explaining their real-life physical and mental ailments.
