BOOK RECOMMENDATION: The Origins of You 

Title: The Origins of You – How Breaking Family Patterns Can Liberate the Way We Live and Love

Author: Vienna Pharaon (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist)

Year: 2023

Tags: Adults, Love, Relationships, Systems Theory, Family

Trigger Warning: In the very first pages, Pharaon highlights that topics such as abuse, suicide, and severe mental health challenges come up at times in the book. Chapter 7 (“I Want to Feel Safe”), in particular, makes reference to these topics. While the topics are heavy, Pharaon does a fabulous job creating a sense of safety for the reader. With that said, you know you best – be mindful as you read, and take care of yourself!

What’s It About?

This is a brand-new book, having only hit shelves in early 2023. And honestly, what a fantastic read! Vienna Pharaon, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, presents this topic of “Origin Healing work”, which she identifies as “an integration of family systems work and psychodynamic theory” (page 7, Pharaon, 2023). Pharaon notes “we look for how our present-day behavior connects to the family systems in which we grew up, and to see the issues a person is struggling with within the context of a much larger system around them” (page 7, Pharaon, 2023).

Pharaon first invites readers to recognize and identify their “origin wound”. From there, she presents the 5 dominant origin wounds:

  • I want to feel worthy
  • I want to belong
  • I want to trust
  • I want to be prioritized
  • I want to feel safe

You do not need to read every origin wound chapter to get the most out of the book – you can focus on the origin wound chapter that speaks to you most. She finishes off the book with a fabulous section on changing your own relationship behaviors (including how you engage in conflict, how you communicate, and how to set healthy boundaries).

Style:

Pharaon made this book so easy to read. She uses a conversational writing style, and effectively conveys validation and compassion for her readers as they explore deep, heavy topics. She often includes reflective questions and encourages journalling or other reflective exercises as you consume the material of each chapter. Pharaon also uses characters throughout the book to truly demonstrate the theory in action. These characters, whom reflect pieces of many real-life clients of Pharaon’s, are very inclusive, representing various identities, cultures and sexual orientations. Her use of all of these literary tools (the conversational style, compassion, validation, reflective questions and exercises, and inclusive character references), all contribute to this books impact for anyone who chooses to read it.

Highlights:

Chapter 11 “Making it Stick” – this chapter pulls everything together and provides some food-for-thought on how to step out of the hard work of this book, and carry the learnings and discoveries you’ve made into your future.

“As we partner, maintain friendships, and become parents, we will almost certainly notice the ways we’ve repeated the wounds we experienced in our childhoods. Our parents’ wounds become our wounds, which in turn become our children’s wounds. This is normal, but not inevitable. Interrupting that pattern (or at least recognizing it) is the work of this book and the work of a lifetime. You can forge a new path forward” (Page 255, Pharaon, 2023).

Caveats:

As you could have guessed, we are big fans of this read! But if we were to give any caveats it would be these:

  • Pharaon is a licensed therapist in America – meaning that some of the types of therapy she may speak of, or language used around therapeutic process, may not exactly replicate therapies offered in Canada. It’s important to be mindful that therapy is a regulated process in both the USA and Canada, and how these therapies are regulated may differ by country.
  • This can be a heavy read, and the work that Pharaon is inviting readers to engage in is not always easy. If you are currently in a place where you feel this kind of deep, self-reflective work may do more harm than good then feel free to take a pass. The book will always be here in the future should you choose to explore it at a time that is better for you.
  • Much like the second point, Pharaon herself encourages that it may be wisest to do some of the heavy processing alongside a regulated mental health professional. Should you find yourself feeling the weight of this read, and wanting to digest its contents with professional support, we encourage you to reach out to the appropriate supports for you.

Rating:

FOOTNOTE CITATION: Pharaon, V. (2023). The origins of you: How breaking family patterns can liberate the way we live and love. G. P. Putnam’s Sons Publication. An Imprint of Penguin Random House LLC.

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